Merry Christmas Bank and Loan!

Some things I’m noticing:

- Snow. Snow snow snow. I love snow. It’s ridiculous how much I love it. I mean, I always knew I loved it. But dammit, now I’m starting to appreciate it when it falls. I don’t care if it makes my car hard to see out of and gets my pant legs wet. It makes me happy inside

- Cold weather. I love it. It makes me think of work getting done. Breath puffing out. Red, raw cheeks. Running. People shaking hands vigorously and happily. Happiness. I love this cold weather.

- When I shop for things for my mom now, I shop most selectively for the “ease of use” option. I guess, subconsciously, I realize that technology has far surpassed my poor mother. I should have realized this when she first learned how to use craigslist and sent me every single “Help wanted” ad because she knew how to use the forward option

- Provo finally seems like home. Or something close to it. I’ve settled in just enough so that I’m slightly nervous about leaving for Christmas. I’m excited, don’t get me wrong. I’m really really really excited. But I just feel like I’ve come to know this town just enough, just the tip of it. If I go home and come back, will it all be thrown off again? Will I stay up all night for a week again, like I did when I first got here?
I remember how scared I was of this place right after I moved in. I’d park my car at 2 a.m., walk to the bottom of the stairs in my building, take of my shoes, and tip-toe up all three flights of stairs to make sure I didn’t wake anybody up. I slept on the couch for awhile. Truthfully, I hardly slept. I read. A lot.
It’s funny to me how much I felt like an intruder. But now, I finally feel good. I stomp up the steps at two a.m. I yell in at my roommates. I still sleep pretty sporadically, but I sleep in my bed happily. Will all that get reversed? I hope not. Living on your own is hard. I want a kitty.

- I never thought the words Union, Kentucky would sound so damn good.

Merry Christmas. Happy Doomtree.

I've got all the answers

Alright, so the whole US is freaking out about the bail outs and the economic crisis and the recession. Well, come on people. The answer has been right in front of us the whole time. People keep asking where we're going to find the money in the government to hand out to all these big companies?

Well I suggest you guys shut your mouths and hand over full responsibility to one man:




Now, of course, the solution is obvious. If anyone can find millions of dollars in the infrastructure of the government, it has to be Matt Lesko. I mean, the guy's whole pitch is that the government is just waiting to throw this money at all of us. Do his question marks and mismatched socks lie? I think not.

I wonder if he'll get jailed for conspiring to take down the government... maybe he's to blame for the exploitation of the house market. Maybe it's all. his. fault.

Michel Gondry + David Chappelle equals good

I bought Block Party last night at Big Lots for three bucks. I was in Big Lots because, well, Big Lots totally kicks ass. You can get food for dirt cheap there, and every once in awhile you can get a totally choice cd or dvd for like 2 bucks. In this case, I got Block Party. Oh, and Rollerball. An 80’s post-apocalyptic action adventure centered around a death match based in, shocker, a rollerderby. I told Natalie I brought it back from the future, and that it was a documentary made in 2012. She read the back to me and told me it was “energetic, fresh, and fascinating.” I know that’s exactly how I’ll describe the apocalypse. At least American Apparel won’t exist anymore. Or the GOP. Did you catch that? That was me being kitsche.

So then I came home and was determined to work on an 8 page research paper. The end result; I stayed up all night watching MTV’s NEXT and infomercials, reading about the demise of counterculture. Here’s what I say; I’m just going to become Ernest Hemmingway. Sorry Natalie. Sorry endangered African animals. Sorry Gertrude Stein. I just have to though. I have to forsake material possessions and bullshit media and the thick of self-obsession. I mean, I’ll still be like your average artsy, 30th century, neo-hipster, lolcatz loving twentysomething when I grow up. I mean, shit, I’ll have a cat. But instead of one, I’ll have 100. And create my own race of them. Of course I can’t drink (something that is definitely lacking in these all night sessions these days), but if I did I wouldn’t just drink. I wouldn’t even just drink to alcoholism. I would drink to constant desperation, filled with the immortal power of raw manhood. I would go into the final stages of alcohol poisoning, hallucinating my eyes out, but still finding the sanity to rake my yard, watch a football game, cook a steak, and then sweat the fever out. I wouldn’t give one shit about a damn. I’d move to a foreign country and love it, until it became cool, then I’d tell everyone they’re silly and go kill big game in the Savannah. My writing would boil down to the barest of essentials, leaving nothing but a story, devoid of intention and meaning. And when you try to find either of those things, I would laugh and tell you to give up.

Because, really, Ernest Hemmingway is, and always will be, the true measure of man.

My morals don’t allow me to attempt to fully live up to his stature, and I’m silently thankful for that. I can’t fathom actually attempting to love the world like he did. This is both a saving grace, and a disappointment. C’est la vie. La vie est morte.

I also ordered free blessing bread from an evangelical infomercial this morning. It’s called miracle manna. Holiness is the tits.

So now I’m going to go run, sans music (an entirely new concept to me), take a shower, and get to work in time for Rob to give me some real assignments. And hopefully, I’ll create some awesome copy and hopefully I’ll get a raise and I’ll fly abroad on BYU’s ticket. Now THAT. Would be the tits.

It's all coming together

Everything seems to be happening pretty nicely. I mean, there have been a few uncertain spots. But life goes like that. But it's all looking good. Christmas is coming. Classes are ending. Real school is starting. I'm getting a new friend/roommate. Once that's all over, I'll work until I can't type anymore, drive all over the country, see my family, love my friends, and then get back to the grind. Probably put my mission papers in after that. Christmas, spring. Sometime. Maybe when I'm around 20. That won't be too bad. Right? I don't think so. I swear I'm not wasting your time. I swear I'll understand if it happens like last time. I promise. Just promise not to leave me in the dark.

There's a duality to life anymore. It's like the water on top of the oil. It's the surface tension of feelings. We have what we acknowledge, what we value first. We can shrug off this layer, simplify things, let them roll off our back, beading and falling down and we could care less. Then there's that part of us that we let ourselves into only so often, and that's when we see the true nature of everything within ourselves. I see this place in showers, on car rides, and when I'm pretending dirt hills are mountains.

It'll be hard to do what I want to do. It'll be confusing. But I think I've finally reached the point where I realize I have to trust in something. I have to begin to trust in the solidarity of the world. We'll all end up where we're supposed to. The only thing that matters is that we have to keep communicating about where we're headed.

I kind of find comfort in exploring the uneasy reality of our situation. Because that means that there's a future. That things will continue moving. That we'll change and grow and life will be life. That's the way it's supposed to be. And I think that if I just keep making these leaps of faith, it'll give me substance. It'll give me the ability to make them all my life. And deep down, I know that's what we both want; a life made out of rash decisions and stupid ideas. Those always make the best ones, I think.

All I know is that my life is different, better, sweet, and wonderful for a reason. I came here for a reason. It's so much more than I could ever have asked for. I keep wondering and waiting for when things will change, because I think that's what every human does. We can't ever quite fully enjoy the present because, well, the future is there you jackass and who doesn't want the future? But I'm trying to keep it close enough to me. To enjoy this all. I'm trying to remember the little details that matter the most. I think that's why you think it's silly for me to take so many pictures of nothing. And I think that's what makes me so happy when you appreciate them all. I'm just trying to remember. So that way I'll know how this felt.

I think my goal will be to get you to finally look forward to something.