My fabulous driving record. (Dear God don't let my mother read this)

Before I moved to this state, I thought of myself as a particularly good driver. I was in control, but daring. I could make moves other people only did so unawares of the danger that would befall them if they failed to perform perfectly. I did fishtails on wet kentucky backroads blasting Jack White. I also caught a car on fire, blew an engine going 90, and ended up in a field with a few friends after we forgot to break for a stop sign (I wasn't driving... but I did yell a lot).

Ok, I wasn't the greatest ever. I'm not Bobby Labonte ok! (If you were wondering, I'm getting a tattoo on my forearm. That's what it says)

But the thing is, since I've been here, I'm the king of motor vehicle infractions. Just last night I got pulled over for a tail light AND a headlight being out. This was, in fact, my second ticket in 24 hours. I awoke to a tasty yellow envelope trapped beneath my windshield. Apparently I had parked across a sidewalk. I looked to my left and right, at the two cars parked in red line spots, and then across the street at the two trucks parked near hydrants and in front of a driveway. No yellow slips. I'm the lucky one I guess.

So I've got two tickets. But that's not all. All of this transpired within the month where I got towed at 3 AM and walked 10 blocks to the impound lot to pay $150 dollars to get my car out. I also hit a pedestrian. I hit. A pedestrian. My car literally hit a girl as she attempted to cross the street. Here's the thing. This happens daily. This is a combination of factors.

1) The drivers here, inexplicably, are more wild and dangerous and TERRIBLE than I am. It's true. I'm not just saying that. They really. Really are. This means that I'm too busy watching THEM to watch you; you slow, backpack laden, snoody Idaho dwelling street crosser. Back off.

2) The pedestrians have a magic power. It's called instant crosswalk. See a street? Is it busy? Do you NEED to cross right there at THAT CERTAIN intersection? Is this the quickest way to the HFAC? Well, look at this! A crosswalk has appeared. You can't see it? That's ok. It's there. Oh is the light green? It's midday traffic in uptown Provo? Is 900 as congested as possible? Perfect, time for me to walk boldly across this street. I swear, it's a deathwish. You aren't protected by your garments or by God's divine love. You're a person walking across a 35 (45) mph street. Act accordingly.


I almost hit people daily. I almost crash everytime I get in the car. I'm scared out of my wits at night to park ANYwhere. It could be an empty street, devoid of hydrant, stop sign, or cross walk with no redlines or driveways or even sidewalks. I'd be afraid. Afraid for my life.

And I'm also pissed off. I've got 5 days to pay this parking ticket. 5. The back of the ticket nicely lists options for payment.

1) I can pay online. I just have to go to payprovo.com. But, of course, this means that I'll need to know the exact way to fill in the online request. I put in the infraction number (do I include the parenthetical number? Maybe...). I also put in my license plate number. Or my VIN number. My license plate number doesn't work, no matter what combination of numbers, letters, state abbreviations, and spaces I add. I look on the ticket to find the VIN number. It is oddly, and frustratingly, not present.


2) I can call in the ticket and pay it over the phone. I've called 85-court approximately 12 times. Nobody picks up. The voicemail box is full. I... don't get it.

3) I can bring it in. I can bring it to the people who are apparently too lazy to pick up the phone or update the website.

4) I can mail it. Does the mail really make it to the designated place in 5 days? Especially over the weekend? Really? No. It does not.

Apparently my options have been limited to bringing it in. So I've got to go find this sucker, hand them my money, and then leave serviced.

Thank you Provo PD. Now fuck the police. do not cross