It's novermber?!??

I've been studying a phenomenon. I drink on average about 44 oz of diet coke per day. Aside from it embalming my insides, I noticed that oddly, it was barely making me... uh. energized? I wasn't feeling the 44 oz of caffeine rushing through my blood stream. Most of the time I was just feeling entirely tuckered. It was confusing me. I was very confused. Who wouldn't be? So I tried something I remembered from my childhood.

As a kid I guess I drank a lot of soda. Ok, no I know I drank way too much. I was fat. I didn't care. Who does when they're fat? Nobody. I mean I cared. I worried. I was sad that I was fat. But I didn't care ENOUGH to stop drinking the soda and eating the doritos and not exerecising. Frasier was on. Shut up. So what I used to do was, if I was feeling tired and wanted to not feel tired (this was always true when I didn't feel like going to bed or was staying at a friend's house) was I would drink water. Water water water. At the time I was convinced I was losing weight because of it. Maybe I was, maybe I was just adding water weight. Whatever it was, I was way more awake, alert. I always used to rely on it. But then a funny thing happened. I started to stop drinking soda. Of course, I then lost 50 pounds and felt way better about myself. But the water thing stopped working.

Well this past week I remembered all of this and, on a whim, filled up my 44 oz Super BIG GULP (AHHH ECONOMY SIZE MUTHAAA!!!) with free water from the water coolers here at work (maybe against company policy). Twice (I'm getting fired). And the result? All week, as I've been doing this, I get. Jittery. Alert. Crazy about work. I must complete things. I must work. I must super surf the internet with super surfing energy. I'm so jacked up on caffeine I can't feel my face. I abandoned my family. I live in a basement. A crackhouse basement.

Ok, not that far. But damn I'm full of energy. My assumption? When I drink all that soda and aspartame and caffeine, I dry my body out. I turn into a mysterious "red berry" from Special K red berries before the milk. But when I pump 88 oz of water into my system, all of my blood cells then explode and my heart races. I'm really. Really. Hyper because of it.

My plan of action: unless I want to keep acting like Java Man from Mad TV (that referance is lame and I know it. I'm proud of the way I was raised), I'm going to go back to a big gulp. or maybe a gulp. It's still a discount refill and I'll get just the right amount of energy for my day. Plus a lot of water. And water is good for you. Right?

Ah who am I kidding? I won't change. I'll just let my liver suffer. DIE BODY DIE!!!!